Fate

I was watching the preview for Disney's Brave while I was in the theatre with my family, waiting for The Avengers to begin. One of the lines in the trailer is, "If you had the chance to change your fate, would you?" My mother leaned over to me and asked, "Would you?" I think she expected me to say yes. Instead, I honestly answered, "I don't know."
I've been thinking about it for a few days now. Would I change my path, my course, if I could? Would I banish my trials and my afflictions if a magic spell could do it for me? Would I change my past to become someone else?
For those of you who do not know me, there are good reasons that my mom thought I would immediately acquiesce to a chance at changing my fate. My life has been uneasy, dark, hellish. Several events in my life, along with a serious illness, have brought me pain, torture, and almost to death as I tried to commit suicide. Why wouldn't I change my fate?
First, I would not change my fate because I do not believe in fate. I believe we each have choices. Some things are out of our control. Sometimes, life sucks. Sometimes we lose things or people for no reason; it's not for our personal growth. Sometimes things are just gone. Pieces of our soul die and leave when bad things in life transpire, and we are often left desolate and broken. But that is not the end. Defeat is not our fate, because fate does not exist. We can not always choose the roads that life gives us, but we can choose how we walk on the paths. We can not always choose where we go, but we can choose how we get there. We can not always choose to be happy with our lot in life, but we can choose to keep going. There is no fate that leaves us broken and bloody on a path filled with loose gravel and sharp glass. We can choose to get up and walk, or even to crawl if we must.
So I could not change my fate because I do not believe in it. I would not change my past, though. I have recently realized why some things in my life occurred. I hate those experiences. The memories of those trials still harrow up my soul, often until I am left breathless from pain and I am curled up in the fetal position, wishing that the pain would just stop. I have often and still often hate my past. But I would not change it, because I am beginning to realize where I would be without the experiences I have had. I would not be happy. I am not always happy now, but I would be worse off without going through what I have.
I certainly have not always been this way. It's taken me about ten years to draw the conclusion that, maybe, my experiences have actually been for my good. I fought against this realization for a decade. I hate that these things were necessary, but I am beginning to learn, and I find myself humbled that I was allowed to be hurt so that I could avoid greater agonies.
And yet, I still hate all that has transpired. Let me be clear: I am not grateful for my experiences, but I am grateful that I could grow from them. I am glad that I have continued to crawl down the road of life upon which I find myself. Though I am often bruised and cut and bleeding from my broken life, I am still going.
Would I change my past? No. Would I repeat it? No way. But I will learn and continue forward. I know where I've been. I've memorized that path. I will focus on my future, on the road before me. I'll get through the broken glass and scalding asphalt, and I won't change my course. To change my course, or my "fate," would be to change my past, which would change who I am. I'm not often pleased with myself, but I want to change that. But I don't need a spell to do it.